April 2025: Life Drawing

Watching: David Cronenberg films
Reading: The Well by Jon Allen
Listening to: I Wish I Was Sober by Frightened Rabbit
Working on: a homunculus leather jacket, a film script, an art manifesto, paintings, comics

When I first moved to the NY metro area in February 2022, I wasn’t unfamiliar with the city (I used to live in Philly and come in to see bands), I had some friends semi-locally, but I’d never had the chance to really explore. I went from living with my grandma in rural Pittsburgh to living in a share house by the PATH station in East Newark, I had some disposable income and no one to answer to. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to, I could stay out all night, I could finally go crazy. Apparently what I wanted to do was go to life drawing sessions.

I did life drawing in university, obviously – we all did. I drew from photo references or sketched people in public spaces after, but it’d been a good ten years since I’d worked from an actual model. Sessions had been hard to come by in most places I’d lived. I’d been on the outside – always working, always too poor, always living too far away with no car, always something. Now I could go to a session at the National Arts Club like a real artist. So I did, and I ended up talking to Jeff, an amazing artist who co-ran the session.

Jeff told me about a weekly life drawing session run out of his friend’s east village studio. It was all gay men, but no models. Everyone got naked and people could take it in turns to pose if they wanted to. You’d do the whole three or four hour drawing and socialising session naked. This was kind of terrifying – I’ve never been comfortable with taking my clothing off, and the idea of being the only trans guy in a room full of cis men is pretty unsettling. I had no idea what to expect but Jeff said other trans men went sometimes, no one was weird about it, and it was very friendly. Often it got horny, but involvement in that that was optional. You could just hang out and draw.

I summoned up some fucking balls, joined the meetup group, and went. It ended up being one of those branching points, both personally and artistically. So much of my life now has come from that group, so many friends are from there or adjacent. I’ve met some great people, and I’ve even posed a few times. I took a break over surgery but I’m back to it now, trying to go at least once a month.

I have by no means converted to nudism. I still sort of hate taking my clothing off and I’m insecure about how I look, but spending a few hours a month naked in a room full of (mostly older) cis men has done more for my confidence and ease with myself than any sort of body positivity at any point in my life, pre or post transition. Talking to other men about body issues and personal histories, seeing traits in their bodies that I have fretted over in my own, seeing a range of shapes and sizes and people into those shapes and sizes: gamechanger. I don’t have a sense of how other people see me, but it now bothers me much less that they might see me at all.

One thing it has that I haven’t come across anywhere else is pairs poses. Two people posing together and interacting. That’s my favourite aspect of it.